lisa nester

Tall Lenox crystal with a modest gold rim, rippled stem, dainty and delicate to hold between your fingers. I’ve pulled this lone glass out several times over the years, and each time it brings back the same memories. Bought a pair for a very special occasion, but now only one survivor, this one wine glass sits alone on the self with several other kinds, types and styles.  Kind of like me now too. I’m the survivor.  That second glass broken and discarded, like the person who was to be drinking  from it with me.  Gone, no longer around to say “Cheers”.

Yes, it was a special time back then. Or at least that’s the way I remember it. Memories of a love that traveled miles. A long distance relationship that I was sure would be sustaining. Looking forward to the ‘next time’. Maybe that’s why I bought the glasses. So when we shared that glass of wine together in these delicate vessels, it would have some very profound meaning.

Ironically, this lone glass now sits in my cupboard and I can’t seem to discard it for the very memories it hold. Admittedly when I select my glass on a very regular occasion, I often avoid that glass. It brings up a past that is joyful and painful at the same time.  But isn’t that the same with so many memories? It’s the pain of something that haunt’s us and the joy that sustains us.

A friend of mine sent me a questionnaire a few years back, it related to ‘soul ties’.  Once and awhile, when I pick out that glass, I recognize I have a tie to that glass. It brings back passionate memories. Those are the ones that come up first of course. The good times. Then there are a few that creep in about the pain of being in the distance. Being that ‘woman’ who is in second place. Yes, that’s what a mistress is of course.

I was comfortable, at the time, with that position in my life, what I envisioned as our life. Having a strong, affluent, gentle man come into my life and recognizing that I had to share him with the ‘wife’ and children…I was O.K. with that.  They lived in another city, state, world.  It worked. No commitment. No complication. We enjoyed each other’s company and I loved sharing a glass of wine with him when he came into town. Into my world.  We obviously shared more than that, but it was that sweetness that I felt, that I needed, and he fulfilled.

We lost touch as he moved to another part of the continent and decided that our long distance relationship would not travel with him. It was a sad time for me because I glamorized the love I thought we had. I had no expectations, but I had many. I wanted to see more of him, but was satisfied with a little. I justified the immorality of it because he affirmed it was a marriage of ‘convenience’, or their understanding seemed to make his infidelity acceptable.  But honestly, how does a man married to the same woman for 20+ years say that with any truth? Well, it happens all the time in the effort to achieve the pleasure and satisfaction of the moment. That’s after all what adultery is all about isn’t it?

Time had passed and out of a curious desire to say hello after a long period of silence, I decided to pick up the phone.  The irony of timing can sometimes be God’s providence.  The receptionist answered but didn’t really know where to direct my call, which in itself was confusing. When you are a high level executive, they usually know how to forward on to the assistant who is in charge of screening  your calls.  It was an abrupt, “I’m sorry, he passed away unexpectedly last week.” that made my blood pressure drop and my knees give out.  A healthy man is not supposed to just drop dead on the treadmill (as I later found out), while on vacation in Nevada.

Years have gone by since I purchased those wine glasses.  And now that he is gone, we can no longer share a toast in person. But admittedly, each time I grasp that stem, I do think of him and make the silent toast to our past. The history that was, and the memories that I cherish for the love shared.

I often wonder if my memory will fail me once the lone glass is gone or broken and discarded.  But, those memories are ingrained. In my heart as a testimony to a love once experienced, boldly felt, painfully diminished, but joyfully thankful for the moments in time it happened.  No regrets.

Now, each time I grasp that stem and poor the wine, I will always remember you Lee. You hold a very dear part of my heart and always will. It’s a soul tie that cannot be undone. It’s part of a past, my past.  I am and will be forever grateful also for the love you showed me at a time when I so earnestly needed, wanted and charished it.  May your soul be also in heaven and that when God’s providence, if it is God’s will,  is upon both of us, we can “toast” again.